Hello

Um yeah it has been awhile since I've visited my account here. Sorry guys. Met up with some kind of technical glitch in the office...I think it's called a firewall. But after a lot of effort from our leader in the team, we managed to take back our rights in having access to e-mails and blog servers outside of our network area.

Well with respect to my life, nothing's changed really. Still crazy and struggling in finding what I really want to do for the remains of my journey through puberty. It sucks. But I'm happy so yeah I guess it works.

I'll be posting more later on. I got caught up in a bad day today. Got things to do, places to go to.
I'll see you all soon okay? Keep me posted (Although I know that I normally don't show up and that I seldom communicate nowadays, I apologize nevertheless and rest assured I will try to make up for it).

your undeserving executioner,
Razrael

Humble Beginnings

Well, due to the substantial (and believe you me, very substantial) demands of my friends, colleagues, here is my latest entry for the year 2005 let's keep it alive. I started in my new job yesterday and I guess it's safe to say that I might be staying here for awhile. The environment is very professional and actually very reserved to be exact. Consultancy and service providers at its best.
My longing to become an analyst has finally paid off, though not really as I hoped for in my field of economics, but the amount of analysis and reports makes my tushy giggle quite a bit. Plus I may finally have the opportunity to become a finance analyst.
The good side is that I'm in a firm who really knows how to handle their people. It's almost as if I feel like I'm a customer myself. The schedule and ethics is wonderful and most of all the fellow employees. Such delightful human beings these people are. Not a moment without laughter. I got time to study for my subjects and hopefully will finish my grad school requirements next year. My band is doing well though we've slowed down a bit. My family is as notorious as it has always been. Love life? Hmm, don't really need it right now. I do have my eyes set out on someone lately. Hehe, she's ultra pretty. And she's a little more on the edge than I am. (Sigh) Imagine that, a far worse retard than I am.
Oh and btw, did I mention that I am the only guy in my team? Yepyep. So I'm really having a hard time questioning my sexuality already (High five Alex! What? No? okay). Haha. It's becoming a trend already I suppose. The same with my previous JOB EXPERIENCES. :)
The bosses are great. They're all going to Canada though. :(
Sad side of my humble beginnings. Well one, I really hate my dad. He's the typical always have to be right, know it all kind of guy. Had a fight with him again after so many months. Kcuf!
Another thing would be the death of, well, another father I suppose. He is the late father of my Ms. Scars the Heart. I feel really sad about it. Just sharing, that's all.
So, I guess this is it for now. My fingers are freezing already. Damn airconditioning. Miss you guys.
Oh and never forget our battle cry . . . Destroy Isabela!!!

your pretentious jester,
Razrael

Fear

For the past few days I've come to fear writing down experiences and realizations in life, let alone my dying efforts in fighting for my beliefs. This is so because I'm no longer sure if I am able to send the right message to the readers (if any). My longing for understanding life in certain perspectives, may it be accepted or not, normally quoted as sick since in all fairness, is quite so a lot of times, has been a deterent to my growth so to speak. If I put my life in my palm and wrap it around with my fingers, I feel that there are invisible thorns that protrudes from the skin and pricks it everytime it attempts to expand and break into new boundaries.

When I speak about my pain, it is more often than not understood to be someone being my pain. When I speak about my happiness, it is thought to be that there is currently someone special in my life which makes me happy. When I mention or describe a particular feeling or experience, it is thought to be an attack on someones misconduct. So apparently, there isn't any room for voicing out or expressing your aggrevations anymore. Many people, for some bizarre reason, manages to include themselves into the picture and sometimes make odd interpretations of my experiences, even if I am just talking about myself. Failure as the writer I guess.

Next time I'll write about lollipops and cherries. But wouldn't that lead to other people thinking that there's a hidden sexual inuendo behind it. How sweets can release certain enzymes in our body that makes us as ecstatic as we are when in intercourse. Or how about how the lollipops and cherries signifies the sexual organs in the human anatomy. Ah well, guess there isn't any hope. Some people get it, some people don't.

The frequency of thinking between each living thing in our planet is far beyond our understanding. One minute you're laughing with your bar buddies, next thing you know you're already arguing about who should be the next president, Ali or Pagulayan.

Basically when I write, and this is the only time I'll mention this, I seek answers. I seek answers through a method wherein I analyze myself and my thinking. See how other people see me in their perspectives. So in the short run, I fear what they would say because I will have to deal with how they perceive, see, and at times judge me. But in the long run, I end up seeing the mistakes I do with my life, how I should react on the given scenarios. Each situation is different from another. Just like my best friend said in quoting one of his favorite 'philosophical' lines. "You can never cross the same river twice". The simplicity of the sentence is deceiving in that you would think it's just a cliche one liner but if you put it in mathematical terms, you can derive a hundred formulas from this small definition. When applied back to reality, you can extract millions of occasions in your life where you would look back and say "Hey, this happened to me before" but the truth is that it didn't and it never will.

Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of denial. Fear of loss of hope. We have fear because deep inside, we know that there is a voice that tells us each time we make a mistake, it can never be changed again. Sure we try to condition our minds into thinking that we can always make it right, but the truth about it is that we can never go back and correct the mistakes that we have made. The only thing left for us to do is to make sure we don't commit that same mistake again. You need to analyze yourself. Stop wasting time and chances that the tides have given us. You can be hard headed, stubborn and lazy about it but in the final analysis you'll understand that it is all that's left for us. Many people loose opportunities because of this mistake. Opportunities to be with the person they should be with, opportunities with their careers, dreams to be attained. They tell themselves we can always make it right. Yes you can but you can't turn back time. Make it right the next time and avoid making more mistakes.

Lastly, I write not only to make myself wake up from my own carelessness, but also subconsciously to the readers. So if you sometimes feel weird or bad about something I wrote, stop for awhile and think about it for a minute or two. Maybe some of my words turn out to be invisible thorns in your life as well. Learn to trim it off, not push it deeper into you. All things equal, unchanged, it is not meant to hurt anyone nor is it intended to make you feel bad. Just a basic wake-up call.

the deceitful prince,
Razrael

So Long And Goodnight to All Falling Stars

So is this how it's going to be? Walk at night? In the darkness smile alone and weep? Yeah. Sure. It's the better way to go. No one ever told another person that the standards of feeling great and happy necessarily entails that we have to be juvenile about it.

When I was younger, I have set my goals and primarily forced my beliefs on a lot of people causing them to move further away. So here it is. Sew me. I deserve it. There's nothing else that I can say. I've been scarred so many times before so what's once more. I'll take it like a man for as long as I can but at least give me the opportunity to hold my breath long enough to last the duration of your stay. Do you know how it feels to take what you offer me? Every bit of it kills me. But I'll take it and convey my surrender before each night ends. It hurts. Oh so much it does.

Paint you a protrait? Sure. Why not.

I wake up, think of you, accept reality and go on with my day (so many times before, so what's once more). I scream my heart out in agony in my thoughts, but still, I'll manage. I see my family, associates and friends all the time and wonder where I'd see your face. Alas, the hardest task of all, daytime meals and supper has never been harder to take. The minute the source of nourishment touches my tounge I feel the sensation of forcing myself to swallow, gag at it for awhile and digest because otherwise I'd lose strength, strength to endure the pain that is demanded of me. I need to sustain myself for my duties. Then at night, before I lead myself to my slumber, the horrifying part comes in. You.

After all that I have gone through my day, work and leisure, you haunt me. As I lay awake at night, I wait for answers, or any signs that you would exist. It sometimes makes me wonder if I'm the one who doesn't exist. Where are we then? Bizarre? Sure. But this is all because you made it that way for me.

Do you wish that I wish you away? To bid you so long and goodnight? I can hate you if you want me to. Yes, very much I can. It has always been a welcome thought. Years, yes years can turn someone into a very different person. I can say "to hell with you" but instead say "come and rest in my arms". I can say "why bother" but instead I'd say "I love her". I can say "you're such a selfish person" but instead I can say "don't worry, someday you'll be contented".

What about me then? Is there anything left? In all honesty, for you, no. Nothing is left for me anymore. All out for the burning fires of stellar gases in the heavens. I'll bleed again someday (so many times before, so what's once more). Hopefully one day, it won't be because of you anymore. Why? Because it's just too much for me to fathom already. My fragility has already taken its toll and no one really can help me with it. Take it. It's yours. It's for you to display as a trophy. You've earned it with all that you've gone through and done for me.

I'm sorry. So long and goodnight.

your day late friend,
razrael

Tenderness

Nothing much, I'm just excited to make an announcement today. I'm tendering my resignation next week. Oddly, my feeling is a mixture of sadness and joy. Sadness because I am sure that I'd make a fine researcher, or a consultant even, in the near future if I was given the chance. Sad that I had to leave some of the people that I loved to work with. I am sure however that they don't really need me around that much anyway so there isn't really going to be any problem when I take off to the next step. Given all these things, still, my verklemptness is easily overshadowed by my overwhelming joy of just knowing the simple fact that I won't have to see Isabela everyday anymore. Oh such realm of pleasure to be on my bed once again and just let go. Let go of all the HATE, ANGST, VIOLENT, MORBID, NIGHTMARES, LOBBYING, AGGITATING feelings and thoughts that I have. Oh next week couldn't be anymore further away than now. I can't wait and pray to my God that he endow upon me the courage to last five more days with the stenchful breath that everyone in our office, both former and current employees, has to go through.
I respect my 'superiors' so much but there are just too much isabelaness on the side that it makes me puke my guts out just to think that I'll have to see that retarded sasquatch of a creature and comply to it's every whims.
Ah alas, tenderness is on it's way. To leave this place and to go to a plain where the animals of my kind shall be weighed equally. No biasness exists, nor hermaphrodites.
And when Isabela's day comes, I will open the gates to my office, further south of the equator, the true place where the monster that she (he? whatever, confused) is just fitted to be.
I will drown thy monster to the deadliest abyss of listerine and muriatic acid. I will scream at it as it whithers and die on the fires of my kingdom. I will proclaim who I am at it and ask it the same kind of half-witted questions that it asked me before.

"I am Razrael! The fool that you are to not know what my name stands for!!! Pitiful creature, do you not know that I am the Prince of the Devils? Lord of the assasins. All great murderers come through me. I devoured souls way before you even sold yours to my father. Did you not, with all your great achievements and status quo, even bother to pause for awhile to think and ask yourself if anyone will find out what you have been doing? How you got to be what you are? The slaves you've robbed off of their achievements for your claim to fame, the priviliges you've ripped off of others hard work. Of course someone will one day find out what you have been up to! But don't worry, it will not go un-accounted for, you fiend. Blood for blood, flesh for flesh."
"The souls above whose lives you made difficult will now be vindicated upon the shredding of the pupil of your eyes. Now you have no sight. Feel your guts burn as my minions nail the end of your intestines to a carved rock and turn it until all of your sins confesses itself for our eyes to feast upon. Scream your tongue out! That tongue which even the damned condemns you for having it. Your pretentions are no good here anymore, it is merely childs play. Manipulation is the nursery rhyme that the children here uses as their creed."
"Yes, endure the suffering I offer you. The sight of your scales boiling and burning with all the vile puss of your body is now encouraging. I want to make you suffer more now."
"Skin it. And leave for the body to live first, we don't want it to die just yet. A little more time before we feed it to the Likings."
(Likings are werewolf-like creatures. But in my world they all look like wolves with the anatomy of a human but they only have hands for their appendages. So the end of their legs also have hands. And their backs are morbidly deformed to be arched in such a way that their knees can reach the end of their shoulders when they tread.)
"How are you now? Isn't the sensation quite...extreme? (Sigh) Oh well, that's how you have always wanted things to be didn't you? To have everything to the extreme? Houses and cars and all the material things you've aimed for? The measure of your standard for success. Where is it now little fiend? Did you bring it to my humble abode? NO YOU PATHETIC SNAKE!!! You can't bring it when your day of reckoning arrives! Hehe, you make me giggle just by looking at you. Oops, one of your eyeballs just popped out. Nevermind, it will serve as an appetizer to the likings."
"Have you suffered enough now? Well I'm sorry to tell you, uhm actually I'm not sorry to tell you, but retribution has no room here now. From here on, I am God. You, you are just a disease here. You are fed to lower beings. Beings which we ourselves want to dispose off. Drag it! Time to end this."
(Before throwing Isabela off to the Likings)
"Before you feel their spit melt through your sour flesh, allow me to whisper something to you..."
(I whisper something and the creature begins to weep blood, dark blood, then is thrown off to the Likings who have been biting each other in a race for their reward. Isabela is dragged by the neck by the strongest liking, still breathing, alive...but not for long)
A minion asked me what I whispered to the ghoul thrown to the Likings.
"The most important lesson that all of you should know by now. Do you really want to know? Well you are my favorite Keltstris, listen."
"I told him 'When you were above, being all high and mighty, you failed yourself by not being in the service of those you lead. A leader is one who is in the beck and call of everyone.'"
(Pause and look at Kelstris intently then whispers)
"How does it feel to know that in my world, your kind is lower than the lowest of all creatures? You're just another line in a book. Now bleed..."

So in the near future, know your battles. For those who tend to treat their subordinates unprofessionally, be careful. It isn't nice. Really.
And for those who are treated like so by their bosses, kill them. When they leave something on their desk which they eat or drink, try putting poison in it. If they drive a car, cut their break cable (cable which break fluid flows through). It's the one in front of the driver side above the clutch gear. Or the best one would be to loosen up their wheels with a cross wrench. That works.
If all else fails, have them murdered.
But if you really want them to suffer first, have their family killed. Start with the children so that both parents will feel pain. Then the wife or husband, then your boss.
But make sure that you torture your boss first before doing so. Cut off the fingers first or eye gouging and ear cropping.
Then tell me what you think of it. How much better it made you feel after doing so.

your vile adviser,
Razrael

Time Management

I think I'm doing a horrible job in balancing my time in all of my activites. Just want to share. I will soon start my real posts after my pending work in the office. Probably around the second or third week of July.

your disobedient servant,
Razrael

Premiere

Finally, after so many failed attempts in creating this blog account, my officemate has finally taken mercy upon me and finished the damn thing herself. Thanks yellowpyjamas. To everyone, a goodnight.

your affectionate corruptor,
Razrael